Unnecessary Details

Our connections transcend space, time, and body.

Blog Post #2

Unnecessary Details

Of course there are many different experiences and belief systems that can affect how we process the passing of a loved one, but I believe the hardest thing we go through, in our earthly existence, is the pain of experiencing someone we love pass away.   

No one in my family expected our mother would be making her exit when she did. We had just spoken with the hospital social worker the day before and were preparing a place for her in a rehabilitation facility. We were surprised to get a call the next morning asking for permission to give her a blood transfusion. When my brother and I got to the hospital, our mother was alert and chatted with us. We laughed at the episode of Golden Girls on the television in her hospital room. We went into the hallway to speak with the doctor making rounds, and he shared new complications. When we returned to my mother’s room, everything went downhill. We knew these next moments were critical, as the doctor pressed us to decide whether or not to intubate her. We knew intubation was not what she wanted, and a member of the nursing staff suggested we go wait in the waiting room. Absolutely not. There was no way we were going to let her go without her hearing again how much we love her, what a great job she did raising all of her children, that we would be o.k., and that she had nothing to fear. We did all of that. We held her hand and kissed her and she was on her way to the “hullabaloo” of ancestors and friends excited to see her on the other side. (I have a great poem to share about dying…I know, really? I’ll save that for another post.)

As much as I know that life continues after death, for quite some time I still replayed every moment of that morning in the hospital. I wasn’t even really aware of what I was doing. The images and thoughts would snowball and I would find myself weeping and full of heartache. I spent more time replaying the events of this day than I did talking to my mother or remembering all the wonderful memories we shared. This replay is a natural part of grieving. Our brains try to process profound and impactful experiences with a replay loop. Eventually, the grip that loop has on us loosens. It doesn’t seem like it ever will, but it can.

I remembered a reading I had given when the loved one in spirit used the words “unnecessary details” to describe what the sitter had been focusing on in regards to the loved one’s passing. These words were as much for me as they were for the sitter! Mediumship readings often work that way. How easily we can get caught up in unnecessary details that seem to drag us down a road to exhaustion and suffering.

Now, I’m not saying that details are always unnecessary. I have worked with sitters who were looking for answers regarding unsolved crimes. In that case, details may be critical. What I am talking about here are the details that we remember, or those we imagine, that leave you reeling in sorrow. Replaying the suffering of a loved one, or in the case of not being present for the passing- what we imagine the suffering might have been, is not necessarily helpful. Replaying the would’ve, could’ve, should’ve thoughts (also called counterfactuals) can prolong your suffering.

A friend called some months ago to talk about a loved one who had been unreachable for a number of days. It turned out that the loved one had had a stroke, fallen in the hallway of her house, and was unable to get help for a number of days. Fortunately, her sister was able to get into her home, and she was rushed to a hospital for care. The friend was beside herself, imagining the horror of her loved one being in an incapacitated state, needing help for so long, and being too young to be experiencing this. It was not clear whether the loved one would survive. With much humility, compassion, and respect, I asked her that we acknowledge, then release those thoughts for a moment. We then imagined her loved one surrounded by love and light, and healing. We affirmed the body’s innate intelligence and ability to return to balance.  Whatever the outcome, we would surround her in love. We ended with gratitude that we could spend some moments honoring the divine that exists in all. Though she still has a long road ahead, her loved one made what doctors called a miraculous turn-around.  

In my experience as a medium, when a loved one comes in spirit, he/she rarely spends a good deal of time giving details about how he/she passed unless there are particular circumstances surrounding the passing that they want to address. Sometimes, they give very little detail about how they passed! I remember during a reading the sitter’s grandfather came through. He shared that he had passed quickly and unexpectedly and that a head injury was involved. When the sitter told me later that her grandfather was among the workers building a bridge in NYC and he had fallen from it while working, I was shocked! How could I have missed that? I thought for sure that would be something he would share more specifically. When you train to become a medium, how the person passed to spirit is one of the key pieces of evidence your teachers suggest you provide to the sitter. While this evidence can be helpful to the sitter to determine who in spirit is visiting with us, the information about a passing is often not what those in spirit care to spend time sharing. Your loved ones come through bringing evidence of their connection to you, the memories you share, what they are doing now, and messages they want to give you.

I’m not suggesting you deny your feelings. The spiritual community I am a member of often talks about “spiritual bypassing," or using spiritual explanations or platitudes to avoid or repress difficult emotions. Feeling grief and getting caught up in the unnecessary details are two different things. If/when I find myself in the replay loop, I take a deep breath and say, “Unnecessary details. I love and miss you dearly. You are o.k. And I am/will be ok." I can take some time to notice what I’m feeling, where in my body I may be holding grief. I feel it, but I release the story. The story does not grow and drag me around. I don’t beat myself up about it, and I know I can stop the replay loop and be present to the feelings, not the story. 

I’ve also worked with sitters who believed that letting go of the story meant that they were letting go of their loved one, that somehow the amount of pain you feel is related to the amount of love and loyalty you have for them. Not so. That is a human notion. Our connections transcend space, time, and body. If you find yourself unable to stop the replay loop, be kind to yourself. It is a part of being human, but if you find yourself unable to function, please seek help. (Free and confidential 24-hour emotional support available through 988 Lifeline. In the US 1-800-273-8255(TALK)) Please know that you are not alone. We’re all in this together. The light in me honors the light in you. (Namaste)